I’ve got skin in the game.
I went out on a limb. Took a chance and opened my big mouth. Said they were going to win the East. Go ahead, have a good laugh, I’ll wait.
So now, I’m like one of the owners. Since my reputation is at stake — plus my intelligence and common sense — not to mention my judgement and emotional control, I’ve now got to make some suggestions, no, dammit — demands — to get things going.
I still think they can, you know, win the East, only, when you go back and repeat the first half of this sentence, whisper it a little — don’t speak aloud. Someone might hear you and report it. Next thing you know, you’ll be walking around in some institution wearing a diaper.
So Mr. Amaro, here’s what you’ve got to do and in a hurry — pick up the phone. Have your list of NL and AL GM’s in front of you and start dialing. Your first call is to the San Diego Padres.
And don’t give me any of this it’s too early crap! General George B. McClellan thought it was too early in the Peninsula Campaign and the Rebs nearly drove us back to New Jersey.
Here’s what you’re looking for: A third basement who can hit and drive in runs. You got it?
Here’s what you are giving up: Kyle Kendrick and maybe half the farm.
Now, I know my readers are saying, “Ron, now you’ve really lost it. Kendrick is 0-2, with a 3.60 ERA. Who are you trading him to, the Durham Bulls?”
Wait. You don’t think I know that?
But here’s the thing. Kendrick is a solid middle to back end rotation guy who never gets a sore arm and eats more innings than Bowa eats sunflower seeds.
But Mr. Amaro, here’s your selling pitch: Sure, Kendrick gets hammered every other game, but look at it this way — you’ve got all the other games to look forward to.
Besides, in October Kendrick is a free agent and will demand $45 million over three years — and with the Phillies free spending akin to a homeless vagrant wandering through the Reading Terminal, we’ll lose him for sure anyway.
Now, Sir, it’s mail time. The readers sent in questions for you. Ready? Okay, let’s do it.
Where’s the Cuban pitcher? Did he swim back to Cuba? You gave him some big bucks and we haven’t seen hide nor hair of him. Jeez, what? $12 million over 3 with a club option. Hell, he can go back to Cuba and own half the island.
We don’t want to hear no sad stories about his arm. For $12 million he can pitch with staples holding it together.
Let’s get him back here and stick him behind Hamels in the rotation. The Philly fans will sing the Cuban National Anthem.
Where’s Maikel Franco? The can’t miss 20 year old had a poor spring training? Oh, my, sorry about that. Lookit, if that’s the marker, half your team would still be down in Clearwater. What did J-Roll hit, a buck 95?
Rube, send Asche back down for hitting lessons and get Maikel in there. By the time Philly fans can pronounce his name he’ll be hitting .300.
And what’s with this Kenny guy? Ken Giles has a 0.00 ERA in six games at Reading? Are you kidding me?
He doesn’t even have to pitch. Bring him up and sit him in the bullpen next to Papelbon and maybe some of that 0.00 will rub off. Stranger things have happened.
It’s way past Easter, the boo birds are circling — gettin‘ ready, and if the club comes back from the western trip in the damp basement?
There’ll be so many empty seats in the house you can paint the place on any given night. You can paint each seat a different color.
And my Phillies blog? “Gurggggggggggggle.”