Sunday is a huge day in Philadelphia Phillies history. The club announced that it will give out a Dominic Brown baseball jersey to all children, 14 and under. The shirt will have the following inscription on the back: “Kids, be happy like me.”
After doing some serious thinking about this giveaway — considering the fact that Dom is hitting .218 and has made more outfield blunders then Delmon Young — which nobody in red pinstripes thought possible — I’ve come up with my own list of giveaways as preposterous as Brown’s.
These are giveaways the Phillies brain trust should consider.
1. Al Gore Day. Each fan, 50 and over, will receive one certificate to a massage parlor somewhere in Bucks County, where massage parlors seem to pop up and shut down just after the cops raid them.
Not that I would know anything about that — I Goggled it, of course. The certificate will have environmentalist and climate change expert Gore, his photo and one of his most famous quotes: “A zebra does not change his spots.”
2. Donald Trump Night. Upon entering the ballpark, fans 14 and under will receive $100,000 of bogus money, with which they can try to buy games and toys.
Upon finding the money worthless, instructions are enclosed explaining how the kids can sue through bankruptcy court — just like the Donald — and have a shot at the real dough.
Instructions on how to sue their parents will also be included, as well as an IRS informational warning — but only for republican kids.
3. Balloon Boy Day. Children 14 and under will receive a commemorable balloon in honor of 6 year old Falcon Heene, who supposedly circumvented Colorado hidden in a balloon — while the police and Air National Guard searched frantically for him.
Even the North American Aerospace Defense Command took its eyes and ears off Russian missile sites to track the balloon. Inscribed on each balloon is the following:
‘Kids, your attic is a little dusty.’
Below that is another quote, this one from Vladimir Putin:
“Если только я знал”
(If only I had known)
4. Poster Day. Children 14 and under will receive a unique poster for their bedrooms. Unfortunately, the poster committee was made up of Philadelphia Tea Party Patriots, when they met at Independence Hall to determine if Michael Nutter is an immigrant.
This 6X6 poster — not recyclable, of course — will have two of the most profound quotes ever.
The Earth is the Center of the Universe
Are You Kidding Me? There’s No Climate Change
5. Mr. Terry T-Shirt Day. Inspired by the Grizzly Man, Timothy Treadmill, Mr. Terry goes into the wilderness and hunts with a camera. He lives amongst them, waiting through hurricanes, snow storms, Jane calling him for dinner, you name it, to get the perfect shot of Pennsylvania’s creatures.
Although Treadmill was eventually eaten by a grizzly bear, this doesn’t worry Mr. Terry. Inscribed on the t-shirt will be: Mr. Terry doesn’t have all his dogs barking!
Sent your comments to Ron at: Philly@ron-costello.com (but only if they are good ones.)